Category Archives: Personal Reflections

Missing my Rock

There was only one man who I knew had my back unconditionally. That was my dad. He held me all the way down. He loved me. He encouraged me. He lifted me up. He also scolded me and put me in my place. My father showed me what love is. He gave me love in the rawest form. My dad loved me unconditionally and without hesitation. When it came to me, my dad had no limits.

I can remember riding down I-75 summer after summer heading to Tennessee. My father had a red single cab Silverado with a camper on the back. The window behind the driver seat would slide and allow us to talk back and forth. It was like having my own escape zone in the back of the truck. No matter where my dad and I were, his presence always gave me comfort. Whether we were talking to one another or not, just him being there gave me peace. I knew that he would protect me and I knew that he would take care of me.

My dad was a great man. Some would say that he was difficult at times. My dad was opinionated, always willing to share how he feels about something. He didn’t always wait for someone to ask for his advice before he gave it. At the same time he would give anyone whatever he had. I remember him visiting people, cooking meals, praying with people, and keeping people lifted. I also remember my dad being fearless. He was not afraid to speak his mind. He was strict and sweet. I loved to see him smile and it brought joy to my heart every time he laughed. I always wanted to make him proud. I wanted to make him smile.

My dad wanted me to be happy. He told me repeatedly to make sure I have a relationship with God. That was a message he released early. He told me that God will give me all that I need to be happy. I used to talk to him about things that bothered me once I got older. He was very vocal when I reached out to him. He always gave his advice and then reminded me that God is in control. He told me to focus my efforts on maintaining a strong relationship with the man upstairs. Maybe he knew that was what I needed to learn most. Whatever his reasoning, he drilled that into me.

He gave me so much of himself. He poured into me. My daddy spoiled me. He gave me things I did not even think to ask for. I was his little princess. He wanted to make sure that I felt like his princess. I didn’t ask for much but he gave me the world. He took care of me. He made me feel like he was really down for me. I remember when he turned down the opportunity to move to Texas because he didn’t want to be that far away from me. I remember when he had my initials painted on the doors of his red, single cab, Silverado truck. I remember him taking me wherever he went as often as he could. He exposed me to so much.

My dad did not care what it took, he made sure that I did not have to want for anything. After he turned down the transfer to Texas he was granted early retirement. Shortly thereafter he became a chef at a diner. My dad cooked really well and I loved when he cooked for me. He made sure that my needs were surpassed. He showed me what love feels like. The love I received from my dad was sustaining. It kept me going. It was like the blood that is rushing through my veins.

I have so many beautiful memories with my dad. There are many memories that have been made since he’s been gone that I wish I could share with him as well. One thing that I am extremely thankful for is the lessons that he taught me. I am like most people who appreciate many of the lessons taught to me as a child once I become an adult; but I got it nonetheless. He was an amazing man who filled my life with so much love and joy. As a child, I just thought that my dad was calming or soothing even. I had no idea that what he gave me was peace. I am so thankful that I know his presence even when he is not around. I am very thankful that I was able to enjoy him the way that I did.

I wish he would have had the chance to walk me down the aisle and give me away to true love. I wish he was here to share in these moments of growth. I really wish he could be right here. I know that he is not suffering anymore. I know that he is with me in spirit and that he lives in my heart. Right now, in this moment…I am missing my rock holding me up in this hard place.

Visions Revealed

I remember sitting in my apartment, on the living room floor, feeling like I had to get this vision board completed. I had all the materials and I knew that I wanted to make one. I started it one day and then walked away from it. Once I began, it seemed like a lot to do. I was overwhelmed. Nonetheless, I had a feeling that was very strong, encouraging me to get this vision board done. The moment is so vivid.

I stayed up all night cutting and pasting everything into position. As soon as I finished, I was wrapped in the moment. It felt like I was being held by the arms of life. It was so warm that it startled me. I was so peaceful that I was nervous. That moment was more beautiful than I could have anticipated.

Nearly two and a half years later, I’m still embracing that feeling. When I look at it, I am so thankful and so amazed at where my life is now versus where it was when the board was made. I see so many things that are on the board that are now apart of my story and not just my vision. I notice all of the statements and words that kept me going when I wanted to quit. I look at the “3 year plan” that is on my board. Within 2 1/2 years I have accomplished majority of the things that I subconsciously planned to accomplish. When I selected the things to put on my board I thought about words more than pictures. I wasn’t surprised by that, I am a writer. What I am surprised by is how powerful these words have been.

I am living my dream!

“Some folks talk about having it all, Others just go for it”. I am doing a lot to “make it happen”. My unconventional life is one that many would not understand. I have learned that I have to let go of those who are not apart of my progress and hold on to those who are. “Surround yourself with love love love agape love”. I have accepted myself. “Loving me 4 me”,”I am different”, “Love the way you look” and more remind me that I have the “Power to keep going even when it’s tough”. I have made “healthy choices” on this journey. It feels amazing to have “A dream man” in my life to “love” me with “passion”. He gives me “security” and I appreciate him because before he saw anything else “he saw the real me”.

I am an author, sharing my dream, making my voice heard, and living life to the fullest! I have come a long way. These last 2 1/2 years have fostered a great deal of growth and disappointment. I am happy to be at the point in my life to acknowledge the past, enjoy the present, and appreciate what the future holds. I am taking “a running start” to happiness. I am “dedicated to live the best life possible” because “dreams are meant to be shared”. I am excited to see what will be accomplished by the end of year three.

Black Love

When I think of the phrase “black love” so many thoughts cross my mind.

I thought about separating the words to dig deeper and gain more clarity. I was curious to see if that would provide me with the answers that I was looking for.

I looked at the word LOVE first.

Some say that love is butterflies and goosebumps every time the other person comes around.
Some believe it to be the yearning for one another.
Some may even say that love is simply a natural progression from like.

To me, it is the most important portion of the phrase.
It is what we need to sustain our humanity.
To have love, to give love, to want love, to need love, to know love is an immeasurable gift.
Whether it hurts or not, we all seek to have love and to be loved.
Love is one constant in life that ties us all together.

Love can be felt, but it cannot be touched.
Love can be shared, but it cannot be claimed.
Love can be given, but it cannot be taken.

Love is such a beautiful conundrum that can transform the darkest sky into a serene oasis.

Now the word BLACK

It is first thought of as a color or the presence of all colors.
Some view it as an empty space.
Some see nothing.

Black has the tendency to be described in a manner that depicts it to be negative, dirty, or unwanted.
To me, when I think about what black is, I think about me.

I am deep, dark, and often misunderstood.
I am the shadow of what I was told beauty is to be.
There is so much clarity in the darkness and I enjoy my time there.

When I unite the two words, the phrase is a source of peace and power.
A source of unity and strength.

BLACK LOVE

Black love is not dirty or tainted.
Black love is not strong lust that is wrapped in lies.
Black love is not empty space full of forced affection.

Black love is deep love.
Love that fills you from your roots to your offspring.

Black love is dark love.
Love that has more secrets to success than a master magician.

Black love is constant love.
Love that flows from the spirit to the body.

The love that I have to share is that love that I want to receive.
The love that I have to give is that love that I want to cherish.
The love that I want to feel is the love that I show.

I don’t want any love.
I want my love.
Black love.

Ms. Understood

Many times people are confused about me. People tend to look at me and assume a million things about who I am, what I am like, things I do, etc. People are quick to jump to conclusions about me off of first glance prior to making it to a first impression. To them I say: Be careful of what you say (in your mind and out of your mouth) – someone once told me that verbal carelessness may lead you to write off the wrong person. Understanding that words have power, and the type of power comes from the intent of the speaker, will help us to be more aware of what we say, how we say it, and when we say it. So many people think that they know me, but they really have no idea about the type of person that I am until they speak to me. I’m different from what other people see when they look at me. I am an open book…funny thing about books is that you do not know what is inside by glancing at the cover. You have to open it up and read it to gain the knowledge within.

I am very blunt and outspoken to those that know me. To those that do not, I am very shy and quiet. I keep to myself more times than not. I am not a “Hi, how you doing?” type of person. I’m more of a head nod and keep it moving kinda girl. If you engage me I will respond. The type of response depends on the approach.

I have been told that I am rude due to my unfiltered statements at times. I do not feel that I am being rude. When asked my opinion on something, I am very honest and clear. I strive to be understood. My goal is to assist others in making well-informed decisions on their own and putting the reality back in their dream land. So many of us get caught up in the dream of what we want our lives to be that we lose focus of where our lives actually are. I do not like being misunderstood or for people to clump me into a category. I am just me. I am a person that likes things to be clear and concise. I like to know what I am getting myself into before I proceed. I like to help others achieve the same clarity.

I attempt to absorb and retain as much as I can. I like to know. I like to share. I like to talk. I like to listen. I like to learn. I like to help. I am very much into words and how they are used. I am a very analytical person. I break words, ideas, thoughts, and feelings down so that it is clear what the root of the situation is to the best of my ability. I do not hold myself in a higher regard than others unless they make it clear that they hold themselves in low regards to others. I do not lower my standards to fit with the standards of others. I am confident and comfortable with who I am and where I am going.

Often times we are quick to look at one another and assume a variety of things about a person. I do not base my feelings about a person solely on what I see. I give everyone the same amount of rope. It is up to them how they use it.