There is an old saying that states “what doesn’t kill you , makes you stronger”. There is some truth to that. I also believe that certain things that are in you must die before your strength can be realized. As a survivor of domestic violence, I know that what I went through could have killed me. Thank God it didn’t and I am standing stronger than before. Knowing what I know now, if I would have removed myself from the situation things would have been different.
When I noticed the commencement of the downward spiral I would not have come so close to the explosion if I would have taken a step. I was so wrapped up in the appearances of everything else but me. I wanted my marriage to look good. I wanted my husband to look good. I was so focused on everyone else that I neglected me. I gave up on me. I lifted them up and pushed myself down. I kept them afloat and allowed myself to drown. I allowed them to win while I lost myself.
I was defeated. When I let go of how everything looked to everyone else and got a grip on how I felt…things changed. I prayed for guidance and I got it. Even when I got it I didn’t want to believe what I received. I knew that I had to leave but I wanted to do it in my time not in God’s time. What God doesn’t block, he allows.
He allowed me to see what my life would be like if I stayed. The final warning was also the first step. I came close to losing my life and taking his. I thank God for His hand being on me. I moved on and I have not stopped moving. A part of me died that day. The part of me that was low and buried in pity. The part of me that was pushed aside. The part of me that I should have let go long ago. The part of me that had been fighting to leave but I fought to hold on to. The defeat inside of me died.
I was reborn in victory. God carried me out of my fear and despair. He placed my feet on fertile soil. He held my hand and walked me through everyday of the process from that day forward. God’s strength in me helped me bury my defeat. The death of my pain was the rebirth of my joy. My life changed for the better. I learned to love me. I learned to accept me. I learned to live with me. I learned to trust God. I learned that my defeat was self-inflicted but my victory was heaven was heaven sent.