I was so hurt so bad that I thought that I would live in pain forever. I was down so low that I thought I would live in the dark forever. I was crushed into pieces and thought that I could never be whole again. During my toughest moments….I smile. My smile is my safe place. I can be me in my smile. No one can hurt me when I am in my smile. The pain can’t reach me in here. The tears don’t fall in here.
People say that you have to laugh sometimes to keep from crying….well….My smile is my mask. I hide my affliction. I disguise my trials. I suppress my depression.
The love that I longed for I never knew I needed. I knew I didn’t feel it, but even then I couldn’t believe it. I have lived in the winter all year around. Growing up and getting older but still can’t make a sound. Feeling helpless. Muted. Silenced. Shut down. Wanting to move but stuck in space. Taking blind steps and falling on my face. Feeling alone like no one cares. I wanted to flat line, I wasn’t looking for a spare.
The thoughts that surfed through my mind would have caused concern back then. Thank God that I am where I am and for bringing me from where I’ve been.
My healing is ongoing. My recovery never stops. I am a work in progress.