Pain of the Past

I was so hurt so bad that I thought that I would live in pain forever. I was down so low that I thought I would live in the dark forever. I was crushed into pieces and thought that I could never be whole again. During my toughest moments….I smile. My smile is my safe place. I can be me in my smile. No one can hurt me when I am in my smile. The pain can’t reach me in here. The tears don’t fall in here.

People say that you have to laugh sometimes to keep from crying….well….My smile is my mask. I hide my affliction. I disguise my trials. I suppress my depression.

The love that I longed for I never knew I needed. I knew I didn’t feel it, but even then I couldn’t believe it. I have lived in the winter all year around. Growing up and getting older but still can’t make a sound. Feeling helpless. Muted. Silenced. Shut down. Wanting to move but stuck in space. Taking blind steps and falling on my face. Feeling alone like no one cares. I wanted to flat line, I wasn’t looking for a spare.
The thoughts that surfed through my mind would have caused concern back then. Thank God that I am where I am and for bringing me from where I’ve been.

My healing is ongoing. My recovery never stops. I am a work in progress.

2 thoughts on “Pain of the Past”

  1. This is wonderful Shay. Seems very similar to how I feel. Mine is so recent that I can’t even imagine making it to your point in progress. Awesome thanks for bravely sharing! -Mara Licole 🙂

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