Tag Archives: truth

Fear Didn’t Win

Last night I went to an event at Barnes and Noble for local authors. I was so nervous and almost pulled out of going to the event.

I am not sure how many of you know this but, I am extremely shy when it comes to meeting new people. I understand that some of you are reading this and giving me the “whatever” or “yeah right” face but it’s true. I have been in positions that forced me to come out of that comfort zone, like direct sales. I have sold cars, candles, and even food for other companies but when it comes to me talking about me for me, it gets so hard.

When I first received the email for the event, I was so excited! I started sharing the information with my circle of people and I started promoting. I had a plan as to how I wanted things to look. I knew that I wanted things to be a certain way. I wanted my version of perfection. As time moved closer to the date of the event, my plan crumbled. This is the point where I almost pulled out.

My books were delayed and would not arrive in time for me to be able to have them at the event to sell. The bookmarks that I wanted to give as a gift were not ready. People that contacted me saying that they would come to support started contacting me to tell me that they could not make it. I was concerned with how I would be received by not having inventory for patrons to view. I even emailed the facilitator and looked for a way to get out of going to the event because I didn’t have books available. The way that I wanted things to go, was not how things were going.

The fact that I am reserved made this a perfect opportunity for me to retreat! I was ready to step in my own way and avoid overcoming this hurdle.

Then I thought about what I would be walking away from. I thought about what I would not be showing up to. I thought about the message that I would send to my children. When I stepped back and looked at it, I noticed that I was only feeding into whatever negativity that caused me to feel this way in the first place. It was in that moment that I committed.

I searched for copies of my books that I could use for the purpose of this event. I found a copy of my first book that was faded and appeared less beautiful than what is being shipped currently. I also found a copy of my second book that had fewer cosmetic discrepancies but still was not up to par for my standards. I grabbed them both and said to myself that I would make these work.

The bookmarks that I wanted to make were not ready and I did not want to go without anything for patrons to take away from me. So, I made a few bars of shea butter and peppermint soap and put my website on the back of the bag. I created a shirt with my slogan on it so that when I took pictures it would be visible. I did my hair, put on some makeup and decided that I was going to walk forward, buckling knees and all.

I took those fears and discomforts with me to the event. I even showed a few of those insecurities to the other authors. I showed up with one copy of each book from my promo inventory (these are the books that I kept in the car when I drove for Uber). I didn’t want to put my books on the table because of the slightly used condition.

My gently used book
I shared this with one of the authors at my table and she encouraged me to still place it up there and reassured me that I was focused on the wrong thing as far as the book is concerned. I listened and still placed my book on the table (well, one of them anyway).

I was approached by someone who was initially captured by my appearance and used that as an ice-breaker to segway into collaboration opportunities, speaking engagements, and more. I spoke to another person that described some of the pain that her family has endured for the past few years. She told me that she would go online and purchase both books based on my description and some of what she read in the gently used sample. I spoke to other authors and learned about new ways to market my books and how to be prepared for or organize an event such as this in the future.

When I stepped forward in spite of my fear, I broke a piece of my mold. I shattered the fear that almost stopped me from moving closer to my dream. This event made me realize how much work I have to do in order to build my confidence in me. My confidence in my gift is unwavering but my confidence in myself is where I struggle. I had to change my mind from “everything is going wrong” to “let’s enjoy this for what it is and make the best of it”. I was making a bigger deal in my mind about something that did not even require that type of attention.

I hear people say it all the time, but I realized it while I was at this event…your comfort zone can cause paralysis in your dreams. If you want more you have to reach out, speak out, and move out of your own way to get it. We keep ourselves stuck in positions and situations because we are afraid of a possibility that we create in our minds due to our fears.

I am happy to say that when I stepped into Barnes and Noble, fear didn’t win.

When was the last time you defeated fear?

Not A Typical Day

It was a day like any other, I woke up and proceeded with my daily routine. I got my daughter ready for school and made my coffee. Once her bus departed with her safely loaded, it was time for me to leave. I grabbed my coffee and headed out the door. I did not have a destination in the physical sense, but I knew that I needed to get away from here. I drifted in my mind while my body was still driving. The peaceful presence of silence was so soothing that I lost me. My eyes closed and I surrendered to the feeling. I drifted from this realm to the next and saw a glimpse of what my life could be.

The traffic lights appeared to be beacons of hope. Each green light encouraging me to keep moving forward. Showing me that there is no need to slow down. These lights revealed that I am not the only one in this space. If I stay still at the green light, I am holding up myself and others. It reminded me that there are others waiting for my success. The yellow lights instruct me to proceed with caution and pay close attention to what is going on. This light spoke and told me to take my time and that there is no rush. I could blow past it and keep it moving or I can slow down and assess the situation. The strength of the red light told me that sometimes I will need to take a break in order to keep going. This light reminds me that sometimes you have to stop and rest. Going through this light could be the end of everything.

The support from the universe sings loud like a church choir. The force is with me and within me. The altruistic force of peace, love, and light are the blood, veins, and vessels of who I am. In this moment, I am being shown more than I can understand. I am pulled in directions that I did not know that I could reach. My pineal gland is flushed and revived; I‘m open. I am guided by the universe and strengthened by its embrace.

The drive in the car was initiated with no set destination but the ride was already planned. The journey already commenced. The path was waiting for my trail. It was necessary for this to happen in order for me to reach a new level of clarity. The clarity is needed to gather truth. Truth is the safe place in which I dwell. This drive turned into the ride of a lifetime.

Today started off like any other day, but it is a day I will never forget.

Missing my Rock

There was only one man who I knew had my back unconditionally. That was my dad. He held me all the way down. He loved me. He encouraged me. He lifted me up. He also scolded me and put me in my place. My father showed me what love is. He gave me love in the rawest form. My dad loved me unconditionally and without hesitation. When it came to me, my dad had no limits.

I can remember riding down I-75 summer after summer heading to Tennessee. My father had a red single cab Silverado with a camper on the back. The window behind the driver seat would slide and allow us to talk back and forth. It was like having my own escape zone in the back of the truck. No matter where my dad and I were, his presence always gave me comfort. Whether we were talking to one another or not, just him being there gave me peace. I knew that he would protect me and I knew that he would take care of me.

My dad was a great man. Some would say that he was difficult at times. My dad was opinionated, always willing to share how he feels about something. He didn’t always wait for someone to ask for his advice before he gave it. At the same time he would give anyone whatever he had. I remember him visiting people, cooking meals, praying with people, and keeping people lifted. I also remember my dad being fearless. He was not afraid to speak his mind. He was strict and sweet. I loved to see him smile and it brought joy to my heart every time he laughed. I always wanted to make him proud. I wanted to make him smile.

My dad wanted me to be happy. He told me repeatedly to make sure I have a relationship with God. That was a message he released early. He told me that God will give me all that I need to be happy. I used to talk to him about things that bothered me once I got older. He was very vocal when I reached out to him. He always gave his advice and then reminded me that God is in control. He told me to focus my efforts on maintaining a strong relationship with the man upstairs. Maybe he knew that was what I needed to learn most. Whatever his reasoning, he drilled that into me.

He gave me so much of himself. He poured into me. My daddy spoiled me. He gave me things I did not even think to ask for. I was his little princess. He wanted to make sure that I felt like his princess. I didn’t ask for much but he gave me the world. He took care of me. He made me feel like he was really down for me. I remember when he turned down the opportunity to move to Texas because he didn’t want to be that far away from me. I remember when he had my initials painted on the doors of his red, single cab, Silverado truck. I remember him taking me wherever he went as often as he could. He exposed me to so much.

My dad did not care what it took, he made sure that I did not have to want for anything. After he turned down the transfer to Texas he was granted early retirement. Shortly thereafter he became a chef at a diner. My dad cooked really well and I loved when he cooked for me. He made sure that my needs were surpassed. He showed me what love feels like. The love I received from my dad was sustaining. It kept me going. It was like the blood that is rushing through my veins.

I have so many beautiful memories with my dad. There are many memories that have been made since he’s been gone that I wish I could share with him as well. One thing that I am extremely thankful for is the lessons that he taught me. I am like most people who appreciate many of the lessons taught to me as a child once I become an adult; but I got it nonetheless. He was an amazing man who filled my life with so much love and joy. As a child, I just thought that my dad was calming or soothing even. I had no idea that what he gave me was peace. I am so thankful that I know his presence even when he is not around. I am very thankful that I was able to enjoy him the way that I did.

I wish he would have had the chance to walk me down the aisle and give me away to true love. I wish he was here to share in these moments of growth. I really wish he could be right here. I know that he is not suffering anymore. I know that he is with me in spirit and that he lives in my heart. Right now, in this moment…I am missing my rock holding me up in this hard place.

My Eyes For You

Your mirror doesn’t show you the you that I see. The mirror only reflects what is put in front of it. The mirror cannot expose to you, the exquisite man who I know you to be. Take my hand and follow me. Allow my words to be the eyes that you need to see. Don’t get lost in my mystery, but step into me. Look through my looking-glass and behold the amazing man who was gifted to me.

The physical attributes are evident and visible to all, but the inner being is the creature that I adore. At first glance you don’t recognize a heart that size. It’s rare, precious and one of a kind. At times unsure, but always full of love. A heart reaches that size because it grows each time it survives.

Keep looking deep and you’ll find why I stare. Your eyes shield your soul but I feel I am welcomed there. I don’t pose a threat or seek to destroy. Your eyes allow me to sit with your soul. An open book with so much knowledge to give but mistreated by false love when true motives are revealed.

The voice of actions speaks loudly. Look at the way that you treat me. I am cherished, respected, and honored as a Queen. My queendom is full of you. You are my King. My court jester. My hunter. My protector. My knight in rusting armor. The character of your armor explains the depths of your love. The shine has faded because you have been fighting for so long.

I see your desire to rest and enjoy the blissful peace that resides inside of joy but the fatigue adds more rust to your armor. I see you striving to be all that you were created to be in spite of the dragons you have had to slay. I notice the pressure of the world that attempts to weigh you down. I understand that the strongest soldiers have overcome extreme battles.

I notice that you pay attention and seek to have truth. You speak from your place of pain and happiness the same. You share willingly and without regret. You invite me into your sacred place and allow me to dwell with you. You give me the chance to see you in natural light with no masks or distractions. You hide your heart inside of that armor but you don’t lock me out. You invite me in.

From in here, behind my eyes, it is easy to see why I love you. Whenever you doubt it or need to get clarity, just look into my eyes and see our truth; see our souls enjoying their time in serenity.

The Love Haters

Telling people about our happiness can be a bit tricky at times. When we get excited about life events, we naturally want to share the good news with people who we are close to. We want everyone to know about our happiness so we tell everyone that will listen. Our feelings change and we become enveloped in elation to the point that we are near implosion. We get excited about love, birth, careers, and so many other things that influence the course of our life. Typically when people are happy, they want to tell the world about what has increased their joy; especially when they find love. More times than not, everyone with ears is fair game.

What happens when we share those feelings with someone and they only have negative things to say? That’s not cool, but it happens all the time. Then we begin to think, “why is my good news making them challenge my happiness?” At this point, a choice has to be made. Do you decide to continue to tell them things about you? Even though you know you will be speaking to the devil’s advocate, do you filter or limit what information is shared with them? Do you correct their reaction? What do you do? How are we supposed to deal with that?

Many of us do not deal with it and simply separate from people who do things like this. We do not open ourselves up to people who will not provide constructive support. In other words, there are some that keep happiness to ourselves to preserve it. They chose not to tell others about how wonderful things are in their life, for fear that they will be met with some type of response that will seek to wipe away the smile. On the other hand, many of us are inclined to please other people and make it easy for others to make us second guess our decisions. The fact of the matter is that no one has control over our emotions. We do not know who we will fall in love with or who will break our heart at first glance. We can learn from the lessons that are evident when interacting with people. A major lesson to learn is one of respect.

We have to respect the decisions that are made regardless if we agree or disagree with the choice. We cannot get upset and become devoted to changing the future of another person when their decisions are not our responsibility. Simply put, everyone does not have the same love story. Everyone does not share their joy the same way. Everyone does not want to hear the condescending tones and responses to them being happy. Some people who have been together for years, have been inseparable since the inception of their relationship. At the same time, there are some people who have been miserable and together for years. When love is the celebration, why include people who just want to end the party? Enjoy the ride that love takes you on and dismiss all of the unnecessary bumps along the way.